The Naked Truth

Preface: In this story, Pat claims that I’ve made him sound like some voyeur. He is not. He disputes some of the details of this story, specifically, about how I have interpreted his intent and actions. This story is based merely on my perception of what took place. Please don’t think Pat is some kind of weirdo.

Have you ever been to a nude beach? Did you know that there are “clothing optional” beaches and parks all over the United States? It’s not just Florida, California and Hawaii, like you might think. Really, I’m surprised we have any. Aren’t nude beaches associated more with the south of France and Brazil? I was shocked to read that there are at least three nudist retreats and parks in my home state of Ohio! There are nude beaches in New Jersey, Massachusetts and Oregon too. Who knew?

Pat and I visited a nude beach once. Don’t be alarmed; we weren’t naked. I’m sure Pat would have willingly dropped his drawers in order to “fit in”, but I put an immediate nix on that idea. It had been Pat’s suggestion that we visit Playalinda Beach. He told me his interest in seeing Playalinda, which is located in Cape Canaveral, Florida, was that it was the best beach to view spacecraft launches. Not that there was a space shot planned while we were there… I know that wasn’t Pat’s real reason for visiting this out-of-the-way beach (we were staying in Cocoa Beach). He wanted to see naked people. Me, not so much.

Playalinda Beach is a nude beach located along the shores of Cape Canaveral, Florida. Though nudity in Brevard County, where Playalinda Beach is located, is officially against the law, the law is not enforced unless there are complaints, or the nudity includes sexual behavior. Nude sunbathing on Playalinda Beach then, is generally tolerated and ignored by law enforcement.

Pat and I, in shorts and shirts, get out of the rental car and walk along the sidewalk toward a boardwalk that will land us on the beach. There is a sign just before the boardwalk begins stating that “lewd and lascivious” behavior is prohibited. Glad to hear.

I feel awkward and out-of-place. I really don’t want to be here.

“Come on,” Pat urges me on. He’s impatient to see naked people and I’m taking too long reading the warning sign.

We’re on vacation so of course, we have our cameras. It’s not safe to leave them in our car, right? It is decidedly not cool to be hanging out (literally) at a nude beach with a camera strapped around your neck. But here we are.

By the way, it’s Pat with a 35mm camera strapped around his neck, not me. My camera is a point-and-shoot with a wrist strap. Not as obvious as Pat’s.

So, we’re on the beach. The sky is gray and there aren’t many people on the beach – certainly no one close enough for us to see their nakedness. We decide to take a walk along the shoreline. We brought beach towels but don’t feel comfortable leaving our cameras with the towels while we walk, so we take them with us. Why do we have cameras? Why couldn’t we have left them locked in the trunk? I’ll tell you why. Pat probably thinks, with the 35mm camera he has around his neck, that he can surreptitiously take pictures of naked strangers without their knowing.

Walking along a nude beach with clothes on is awkward enough. But passing nude people who are also walking the beach is very disconcerting. Where do you look? Do you try to make eye contact? I wonder to myself, where do I look at beachcombers on a regular beach, when everyone’s in a swim suit? Should we say hi to the passing naked people? I am not enjoying this walk at all.

Oh, my God! What’s that? We are approaching a naked man fishing along the shoreline. He has just cast his line. Good Lord! A naked man fishing! This is not normal. I know law enforcement tolerates nude sunbathing, but nude fishing?

I convince Pat that we need to turn around and go back to our towels. On our way back, Pat wants to walk further up on the beach so he can check out the sunbathers.

“Pat, come on!” I argue. “This is too weird. Let them alone. They’ll think we’re going to take pictures of them.” Pat walks up onto the soft sand and, like an obedient dog, I follow.

Don’t think that nude beaches are just for those with beautiful bodies. Not this beach anyway. What I’m seeing isn’t too pretty. In fact, I’d probably feel comfortable sunbathing here in the nude next to these imperfect bodies. There appears to be no body-shaming – though how would I know? It’s not like I’m engaging these nudists in conversation.

We reach our towels and I can finally relax. I didn’t realize what an uptight person I am until I found myself with a camera on this naked beach.

—   —   —

There are no federal laws prohibiting nudity. The majority of states, though have laws prohibiting the exposure of the genitals and women’s nipples in public. Other states allow public nudity unless it is intended to shock, arouse, or offend other people.

In some states there are public places where nudity is allowed or tolerated. There are private places in almost every state where nudity is permitted as long as it can’t be seen from outside the facility.

The states of New York, Hawaii, Maine, Ohio, and Texas have laws allowing women to go topless in any place where men can do so legally. Ohio? Really? I’m shocked.

Arkansas has the most restrictive nudity laws. In Arkansas it is illegal to be naked in front of anyone other than a doctor, nurse or spouse. Even on private property. It’s also a Class A misdemeanor if you even promote nudism in Arkansas, punishable by a $2,500 fine and up to a year in jail. Really? I could get arrested in Arkansas if I told a group of friends that nudism is terrific. Gee.

Oregon has the most liberal nudity laws. In Oregon, you can get naked anywhere as long as you aren’t intending to arouse others around you. (Cities and counties within Oregon may have more restrictive laws.)

In California it’s apparently legal to walk in the forest in the nude. Not that I’m going to try it. I’d at least have to have shoes on. What if you tripped and fell into a patch of poison ivy? Gotta think about these things. Also, if you weren’t wearing a backpack because you were completely naked, you’d have to hold your water bottle for the whole hike. And what about bug repellant? Do you really want to spray that stuff over your whole naked self?

—   —   —

I was talking to my neighbor Robyn about a former dog of hers, a black Labrador Retriever named Ralph. Robyn laughed as she told me about Ralph’s antics. One of the stories she recalled was when she took Ralph off-leash to a beach in Santa Cruz. At one point, the dog ran off to explore an inlet that Robyn didn’t want to explore. She couldn’t see Ralph because the cove was hidden by a cliff with vegetation and rocks. The dog was not responding to her calls. She followed the Ralph’s path and, as she turned into the inlet, she saw a naked couple lying on a beach blanket. More accurately, she saw a naked man lying on his back and a naked woman lying on top of him and Robyn’s dog jumping to get on top of the woman. The woman was screaming, “Get it off of me!” When the man started yelling too, Robyn hid behind the brush so she wouldn’t be seen and get yelled at herself. Having a dog off-leash is against the rules, but so is public nudity.

—   —   —

As you know, the original Olympics were held in Greece. But did you know that the original Olympic athletes competed in the nude? Can you believe it? Imagine if athletes in today’s Olympic games were naked. What a hoot!

Of course, there would be a problem in identifying which country the Olympian represented. And think of all that junk swinging around while doing the high jump, sprinting, hurdles, gymnastics… Yikes! The original Olympians were all men. If we added women to the mix, there’d be a whole different kind of jiggling and flip flopping going on. Just imagine…

—   —   —

And that, my friends, is the naked truth.